Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I got the vaccine!

MIL: I’m coming for a visit

Me: I don’t want it anymore!

When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.

💀💀💀💀

Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.

So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?

I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.

Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.

Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?

*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*

From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.

Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish

“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.

But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.

“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”

But on he worked.

ME: I’d like to return this

CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?

ME: I bought it here

CLERK: At Old Navy?

ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!

CLERK:

ME: Store credit, then?

The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore

Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.

Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?

the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener

Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.

[watching Friends]

NIECE: I love this show

ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be

[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work

I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her

wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap

Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog

The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.

Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”

and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.

Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?

Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”

A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.

Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.

Lesson: Do not ask me for advice

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one

When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.