Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.

The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?

—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner

One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.

When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”

Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”

After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.

I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie

When you’ve simply given up.

7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch

me: that’s wonderful

7: except the things I don’t like

me: there it is.

Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh

Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long

Hedgehog: no

This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.

My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”

For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.

Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.

OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.

At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future

Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]

Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳

Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄

Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️

Bluetick 1: ❤️

I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.

#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.

My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look

I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?

‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’

Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*

Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?

Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.

Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.

someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol

God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.

Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.

God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.