Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
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I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
August 8
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.