*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
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Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”