*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
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Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Don’t you hate it when you go in ALDI to buy an apple and walk past the middle aisle and then you’re back in your car with a 4 person tent and a fucking bbq
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…