Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth

Me:[slathers self in butter]

Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!

Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.

Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.

What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?

If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit

We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.

*me, as an uber driver*

oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane

Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you

Husband: well you’re here with me

Me: oh yeah

Husband: and we’re at a funeral

[Sitting down at a restaurant]

Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.

Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.

Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day

I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.

Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!

Hot tip for dog owners:

Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER

Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”

Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.

Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.

I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there

Best bird cliques…

A “murder” of crows

A “flamboyance” of flamingos

A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished

Me: Do you like being right-handed?

Hubby: Umm, sure… why?

Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…

Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.

Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.

Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.

Ffs laughed out loud 😂

9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.

me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets

insomnia: me either

I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.

“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*

7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.

Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No

The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.