Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We buried my grandmother, yesterday.

She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.

This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her

My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!

A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.

god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem

You sit there and think about what you’ve done

-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight

Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”

“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”

No, I bought them 15lbs ago

“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.

I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.

Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.

Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy

Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?

Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.

Gets pulled over:

” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”

I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.

A salesman knocked on my door today.

“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.

I said, “My next door neighbour.”

I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.

Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

Ffs

I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster

Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!

“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.

Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.

Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!

Me: Soup

W: That’s Queso dip!!

M: Cheese soup

I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.

Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?

White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]

My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…

Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%