Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.

6-year-old: Is it cold outside?

Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.

6: I should stay home.

Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character

Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.

Navy: (subtweets)

Army: (helicoptertweets)

I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven

everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.

ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.

People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”

oh she’s cooked

astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars

mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-

astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars

mission control: shit

If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept

Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves

But I don’t like to point fingers

4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?

Me: That’s an oddly specific question.

4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4

my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.

Duolingo getting serious.

Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾‍♀️😂

NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers

I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.

I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.

I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.

Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.

Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?

M: Yup

B: What did you eat?

M: 17 beers

B: …

Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling

When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.

An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.

“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before

My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑

Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.

Dr: He has a lot of blockage

“So my Dad has a bad heart?”

Dr: He also donates to charity

“So he has a good heart?”

Dr: Ya, it evens out

COMPUTER: Enter your password

ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]

COMPUTER: Your password is too weak

ME: [high fives computer]