Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory

At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.

Am getting real tired of your crap…

British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”

* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me

“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”

Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?

HER: do you mind having period sex?

ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?

Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you

My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot

One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend

Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.

Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?

My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car

Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.

Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*

Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?

Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.

The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..

In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.

Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.

I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.

hey boy are you the sun because you were a big part of my life this summer but now i feel like i never see you

nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name

I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.

Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.

“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”

-anyone on road trips with me

Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.

[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted

I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.

spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?

I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.

[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world