Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.

Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.

one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it

Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”

[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.

I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.

Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!

He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink

– me with a broken jaw

Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.

What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?

Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.

ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.

When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.

[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]

With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.

Dance like you’re not the father

“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”

[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666

[restaurant]

WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?

TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks

My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME

Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?

Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child

I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.

I bought it in 2007.

my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…

“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”

I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker

*at family function..

*superglues jenga tower