@Manda_like_wine

*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole

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@Parkerlawyer

I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”

To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”

@amazymay72x

Her: I’ve had gray hairs since I was 16.

Me: I got my grays after I got married.

Hubs: I CAN HEAR YOU!

Me: AND I LOVE MY GRAYS, HONEY!

@SamuelHLowe

-Why didn’t you answer your home phone?
-Because I’m walking the dog. Don’t you trust me?
-Of course I trust you! Put the dog on the phone.

@MykaFox

You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose

@daddydoubts

When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.

He’s a pickpocket.

@KevinFarzad

PLEASE LEAVE CHRIS BROWN ALONE, in the woods, surrounded by a pack of wolves.

@deankarrier

Convince new friends into thinking you’re a doctor by turning off taps with your elbows

@ShutUpThatsWho

[Budapest airport]

IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?

ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.