Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
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I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Her: I’ve had gray hairs since I was 16.
Me: I got my grays after I got married.
Hubs: I CAN HEAR YOU!
Me: AND I LOVE MY GRAYS, HONEY!
-Why didn’t you answer your home phone?
-Because I’m walking the dog. Don’t you trust me?
-Of course I trust you! Put the dog on the phone.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
PLEASE LEAVE CHRIS BROWN ALONE, in the woods, surrounded by a pack of wolves.
Convince new friends into thinking you’re a doctor by turning off taps with your elbows
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.