*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
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“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou