*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
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When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
sleeping beauty
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
lmao
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
the official breakfast of 2021
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
The glory of fall.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon