Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.

-me flirting

Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.

FBI: oops wrong one

Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.

media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine

her: I’m bored

me: let me take you out and show you a good time

her: ok

[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having fun

her: I see

*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*

Uber driver: “Where to?”

Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”

I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.

I think I need a hard boiled egg.

I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.

remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically

the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall

[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles

Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs

Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap

[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf

If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills

HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!

me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield

6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that

Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”

Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.

His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble

“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”

Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.

“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.

i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do

Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up

Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.

16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”

*plays The Smiths

Me: Uncontrollable weeping

Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops

Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.

“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles

Voting is the worst group project

Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.