*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
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Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
me: you know what I need?
body: vitamins? water? a vegetable?
me: another coffee.
body: you mother fu-
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought