*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
You Might Also Like
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?