*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
You Might Also Like
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Autocorrect completely socks
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?