Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.

[aircraft carrier]

*paints a T on the helipad*

Captain: No it has to have an H

Me: Why?

*train sounds approaching*

Captain: Oh dear god

Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…

@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches

BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.

PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?

I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.

The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.

Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.

It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.

If you don’t hear from me again, they won.

“You’re so funny!”

Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘

I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.

I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.

If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing

I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.

Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.

How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.

You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.

I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.

Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”

Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”

Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”

I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train

It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.

10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.

*shows buyers around my home*

This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really

If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.

Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.

Boss: What the hell are you talking about?

Me: I’m an anti-faxer.

do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit

Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.

Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.

About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun

[marketing meeting]

Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?

The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children

I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with