Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.

Me: No.

You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex

Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.

The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.

We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.

Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.

[terrible nursing home]

Old guy: How did you end up here?

Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.

Him: *gasps* You monster.

McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns

Me: yep

McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family

Me: my what now?

3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?

Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.

3-year-old:

Wife:

3-year-old: Babies are lazy.

Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds

Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds

If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?

TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…

My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro

I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.

We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.

Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.

After kids: My mind is a steel colander.

I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.

Me in the summer: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s sunny and beautiful outside

Me in the winter: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s snowy and cold outside

Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.

My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.

All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

For an extra ten bucks Lyft will pick you up in a black SUV but I’ll go as high as $30 if I can ride to work in a taco truck.

me: how much for the wireless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

Me: you seem disappointed

Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine

My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.

Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying

I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.

Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.

Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap