familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
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Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Everyone’s family
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me
This will teach them to underestimate me
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
🗽
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
