@ddsmidt

Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.

But it’s more likely a sociopath.

~Inspirational

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@sammyrhodes

S is my favorite letter because it changes biscuit to biscuits.

@papasuncle

Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?

@TheMichaelRock

We could completely eliminate car thefts by making every car alarm sound like Hillary Clinton’s laugh.

@WiseguyPictures

“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance

@Playing_Dad

If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started

@Darlainky

Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…

Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!

@aligarchy

you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich

@timdonakowski

If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?