Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.

M: Did you proof her?

S: She’s my mom.

M: OK but she may not be 21.

S: That’s biologically impossible.

M: No it’s not.

*My son is 16.

I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

Me: what do you want for lunch?

3yo: a pickle.

Me: a pickle is not a meal.

3yo: two pickles.

I like to think I’m smart

Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground

If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies

“dress for the job you want”

“ok!”

*shows up to work naked*

“what are you doing”

“i don’t want a job”

4: When will I stop growing?

Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.

4: But you still grow.

Me: No I don’t.

4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.

Me:

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.

You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun

Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok

[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf

WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.

Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.

2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene

Hmm 🧐

mobster: are you wearing a wire?

me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not

I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.

I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.

It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.

The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB

As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.

My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?

Me: sorry I was talking to myself

Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.

Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah!

[After spending a week with me]

Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?

Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube

Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?

I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit