families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
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I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
My favorite female superhero
Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself