Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.

Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours

“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.

Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.

18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.

Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?

My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture

“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.

i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about

You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.

3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”

I think she’s ready to be a parent now.

There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.

[at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?

ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human

Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.

First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.

As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.

Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly

Meatloaf is a good safe word.

It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…

I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.

dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok

Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.

I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.

[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?

Me: Doc, I hurt my back.

Dr: What happened?

Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…

Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???

realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top

I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep

Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs

Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.

Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.

priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]