Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
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The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
If you’re having a bad day I just want you to know I asked the paint guy at the counter for a gallon of “Menstrual Rose” when it was actually “Minstrel Rose” …so ya
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
A classic…
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.