Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
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going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.