Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
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Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.