My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
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It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
murderer: does that hurt
me: not really
murderer: oh thank god. im so nervous
Boss approaches, I frantically close my google image search of cats hugging, only to show a new window of cats in formal wear. I get fired.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Me: *dripping in sweat and covered in scratches* You should see the other guy!
[Camera pans slowly to sports bra crumpled on the floor]
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
me: kids are so stupid. they’ll do anything for chocolate
wife: if you do the laundry, I’ll buy you a snickers