@robdelaney

Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.

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@cool_as_heck

OBAMA: your resume says you think of the “best nicknames?”

ME: that’s right, Obama-nable snowman *finger guns*

OBAMA: [softly] holy shit

@Parker_Simpson

If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad

@BangMyBongo

Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time

@HatfieldAnne

I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.

@TuSoonShakur

*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*

Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”

@PleaseBeGneiss

Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late

Spider’s wife: what took so long?

Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout

Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again

Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure

@JB4Realz

HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)

@tastefactory

[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo

@skickwriter

I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.