Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.

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My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.


It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.


I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.

*gets on knees and undoes your belt*


murderer: does that hurt

me: not really

murderer: oh thank god. im so nervous


Boss approaches, I frantically close my google image search of cats hugging, only to show a new window of cats in formal wear. I get fired.


Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell

Me: so I get to be the devil

Therapist: no absolutely no-

Me: Very cool

Therapist: wait but

Me: incredibly cool


Me: *dripping in sweat and covered in scratches* You should see the other guy!

[Camera pans slowly to sports bra crumpled on the floor]


My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa


me: kids are so stupid. they’ll do anything for chocolate

wife: if you do the laundry, I’ll buy you a snickers

me: done