Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
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i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Message from the dog groomers
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.