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Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
When you start taking vitamins to improve your memory but keep
forgetting if you took them today or not!
Me trying to walk in a dream
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
