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One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
edward fingerhands
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.