Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”

One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for

8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard

6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda

dad: *holds up condoms* what are these

son: …

dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one

We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life

My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.

My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”

Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”

Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.

It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president

When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.

This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers

Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶

If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.

just make the entire table out of coaster

*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*

that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that

My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.

If you were wondering about my hiding skills.

Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!

[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]

Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]

Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?

Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:

Kids are painting the dog in the living room.

My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring

The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.

Me, walking into my mom’s house

16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*

One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?

Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want

All 4 teen boys: *grin*

*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*

“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”

When does CPR become necrophilia?

My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.

Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?

My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.

trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.