Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.

Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?

Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this

oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*

Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar

One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it

DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this

You make me want to be a better home and garden.

My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler

According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast

🗽

Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO

My blood type is coffee.

*being chased by serial killer

Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit

Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.

I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.

[ouija board]

How are you feeling?

*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-Y

What the!? A cheesy board!?

G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S

If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

[me as a snake handler]

Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.

DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant

ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before

DATE: Are you having deja vu?

ME: No I’m having the chicken

Board Game

10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!

Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*

10: *laughing* OMG!

Me: What?

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….

I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey

Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”

Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.

I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!

I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to watch their kids