[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
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Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Breaking news:
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.