Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
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*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Americans can choose from over 1,000 breakfast cereals but only two presidential candidates?
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!