[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
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*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Kid: What’re you doing?
Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.
Kid: We can only have one?
She’s mastered this game.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep