Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something

Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.

jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna

peter: ok let’s get you home

me: if you love something, set it free

wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t

Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.

If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.

didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?

*shampoos & conditions hair

*rinses hair

*blowdries hair

*straightens hair

*spits toothpaste into hair

Why do cannibals never eat rich kids?

Because they’re spoiled

Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.

Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.

I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!

I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.

Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Requesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.

Me: Sex?

Wife: Sure.

Me: Really? Just like that?

Wife: Yep.

Me: …never mind.

I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.

Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.

[Christmas shopping]

me: I’m looking for a toy for my son

clerk: how old?

me: something new please

Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?

Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.

superman landing like a plane on his belly

Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK

i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64

Someone should probably go check on Steve.

The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.

dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*

aaaaaaand scene

Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.

Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.

I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.

What smells better than it tastes?

A nose.

Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner