[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
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knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
A friend helps you before you need it
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.