Family Celebrity
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[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!