Family Celebrity
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Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Me: *making tea*
Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Possums basically just grow until they die so if u see a really big possum that is an elder and u should be respectful or u will not see the kingdom of heaven
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid