Family Celebrity
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me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.