Family Celebrity
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A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit