Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
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I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
What legos do when we’re not looking.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
My favorite part of any relationship is the very beginning, before the other person realizes what a mess you are and what a huge mistake they are making
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.