Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
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I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. 鈽橈笍
Happy Halloween 馃巸
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Doggies just call it style.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 馃檨
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 馃檪
Grew big
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
i鈥檝e started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i鈥檓 better than everyone
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that鈥檚 wonderful
7: except the things I don鈥檛 like
me: there it is.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We鈥檒l return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There鈥檚 nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
If there鈥檚 ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn鈥檛 start while I鈥檓 asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.