Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
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If you leave your cart in the middle of the aisle while you go get something, I feel like it’s ok to run you over with said cart.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
It’s actually Dr. whatever
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
“Did you hear there’s a Scottish pupil allowed to identify as wolf?”
‘Omg. Where?’
“No, just a normal wolf I think.”
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.