Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.

Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?

Me: yes. Molotov, please.

We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.

This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway

Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?

Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:

My husband got me flowers!

I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework

I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry

I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies

Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.

Underwear…

Because every present needs to be wrapped.

After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.

Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.

me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend

Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts

girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.

It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.

Very suspicious that this keeps happening

Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.

Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.

friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?

fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying

Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime

John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more

Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.

“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”

Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.

I meant to write, “on god” but wrote, “on guard” by accident and now I gotta duel with the homies at dawn.

I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house

I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.

We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.

Nice injury you got there. Be a real shame if someone added insult to it.

these two trucks have the same bed length