Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always forget my reusable shopping bag when I go to buy some food. So I purposely put it in my bag this morning and forgot to go and buy the food

Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize

Imagine me naked.

Wrong. Fatter.

police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.

parents: arson?

police: yes, your son.

“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”

– my voicemail message

ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts

SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on

[at dinner]

Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.

Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?

(simultaneously)

Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!

tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?

me: just draw it

[later watching TV]

commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!

me: motherf

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster

Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.

I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….

Hold on…Imma need a calculator.

Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.

Me: Really?

Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.

Me: What?!

Mom: He’s an alcoholic.

Me: I don’t think…

Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.

Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.

Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.

Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.

Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?

him: hi, I’m Tom

me: nice to meet you uhh…

my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago

me: m…mom

I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.

My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.

Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.

15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.

Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!

15: Uhhh…what?

Me: Never mind.

Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit

ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?

KIDS: YES!

ME: then go outside

My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.

Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.

my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it

and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me

Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again

All the characters in the 2006 sci-fi comedy ‘Idiocracy’ wear Crocs because the costume designer thought they were futuristic and too ugly to ever become popular in real life

[Airplane]

Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”

My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”

Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”

This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself

what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name

got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards

I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.

5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start