Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at wedding]

Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace

Me (raises hand)

Pastor: It’s your wedding

Me (lowers hand)

I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no

What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?

My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: The precise amount I was predestined to

*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel

What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?

If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.

The answer is “Nun of the Above”.

me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign

booming voice from above: LOG OFF

me: that could’ve been anyone

So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.

I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.

My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.

Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*

I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL

I finally bought a set of dumbells.

How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?

Please say 6 weeks.

If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore

I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine

If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs

ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet

My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again

My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”

[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps

Coworker: You look angry.

Me: I’m not.

CW: Really angry.

Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE

I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.

By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.

[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work

Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.

I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism

me: I’m not feeling well

doctor: take your glove off

I’m just playing devils avocado here