Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
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Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
The answer is funnier than the question
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.