Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages

Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”

Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.

I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.

Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.

Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids

No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.

My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”

11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O

“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”

(silence)

(silence)

*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”

I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.

If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.

interviewer: what are your strengths?

me: I know where you live

frog: kiss me, I’m a prince

her: ew gross

frog: you have a problem with frogs?

her: no, with the monarchy

I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.

I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.

college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”

The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.

I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now

I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.

In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be

Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.

I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!

[After Sex]

Him: how was it for you?

Shakira’s hips: well…

“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply

Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?

Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: heavy-handed product placement

professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good

I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.

Me: you’re leaving me?

Her: [walking out]

Me: is it all of my-

Her:

Me:

Her:

Me:

Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses

Me:

Her:

Me: -dramatic pauses?

My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.

That woman has no sense of humour.

SICK’EM SPIKE!!!

[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]