Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….

I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…

your elf on the shelf was delicious

Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.

the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills

Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.

Other times they’re awake.

Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.

Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.

ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally

SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it

[a light glows in the corner]

ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?

TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red

Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it

ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]

I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.

My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.

Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.

Me: Ironman

Wife: Get out!

stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him

being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”

*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE

I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said

This is a fact based meme 😏😂

If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.

If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR

A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.

Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2

Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2

Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.

*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling

I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric

Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]

Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun