Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
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A Story in Three Acts
I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.
II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.
***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***
III. Noooooooooooooooo
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”
Ooooh. That’ll show me.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.