Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.

If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?

~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.

Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.

I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.

Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’

if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”

Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.

i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice

Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search

This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.

7-year-old: I found a penny.

Me: Good job.

7: How many more do I need for college?

The police never think its as funny as you do.

There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.

You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner

Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….

How to tell if your wife is mad at you

1. She is

I’m all for the scientific method.

Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.

Him: “I feel-”

Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”

Him: “-gassy.”

her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssst

GOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE

Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.

TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.

Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.

Me: Yay! No more periods!

Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years

Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years

Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol

Me: come on what if we say it at the same time

Interviewer: ok deal

Me: ok, 3..2..1

In sync: making furniture for hamsters

Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress

Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no

[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please

i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time

MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?

I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.