Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand what’s happening here.

NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!

In love:

😐

Uncertain:

😐

Just married:

😐

Pregnant:

😐

Dead:

😐

Only $139.95! Act now!

[me as an uber driver]

yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable

Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale

Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge

angel: they seem to be doing well

God: give them more diseases

angel: is that really necess-

God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla

Me: Should we watch WandaVision?

Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it

3: *draws a rune on the wall*

Roses are red,
Daisies are free.

I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.

There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.

ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone

I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.

2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.

Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job

ME: I wasn’t invited to the party

FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic

ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone

someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??

My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.

She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.

Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.

Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.

r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”

*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me

Dentist: for the love of God just floss

When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”

I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.

[ during sex ]

Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.

7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?

7-year-old: You got a letter!

Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.

7: Not if you throw it away.

She’s my financial planner now.

Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.

Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.

7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?

me: i guess so

7: and because she likes books?

me: um…yeah

7: but at least she’s pretty right?

me: …let’s watch moana instead

Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you

Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks

My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.

Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”