Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.

Him: Being a teenager is tough.

Me: *sigh* I’m 40.

Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”

My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.

Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.

Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.

My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.

Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once

Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.

“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.

Breaking news:

[pulled over]

COP: Did you know you were speeding?

ME: I didn’t even know I was driving

COP: Out

Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.

Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??

Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style

Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.

“Which one is you?”

– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.

Me: How are you?

Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?

Me: I can and do.

*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*

birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?

I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.

Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots

Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look

What the hell is going on?

No I will not change my password.

If someone wants this life, they can have it.

[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?

problems i need

Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns

Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me

I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.

When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out

Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.