Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[after drug rehab]

Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield

Garfield: *normal cat noises*

I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.

16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?

I don’t know.

16: Plain.

You’re going to be such a great dad.

As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell

Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.

skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say

me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd

So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most

batman [clenching fist]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?

Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand

5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?

Me: haha not quite

5yo: *just glares at his little brother*

🫡

What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?

[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*

My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled

“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.

Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?

Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶

Death Row inmate: how did you get in here

Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams

The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.

I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.

[First day working in an optometrists]

Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.

Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?

Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol

I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.

me: can i buy you a drink?

her: i’m getting married at 5

me: cool so we have 2 hours

Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in June

Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price

Mom:-

Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF

*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*

Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef

Phone

Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.

Person: But if you could just—

Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me

Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?

I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh