Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT

If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.

There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.

Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭

A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo

shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!

agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer

me: it’s off the table

agent: {muffled} ..what about the second

me: also off the table

agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then

me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here

Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?

Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”

[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!

The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.

I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.

-me watching hockey

If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?

The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.

Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*

DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does

It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.

*sips wine*

At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.

My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.

“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”

– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game

Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.

How do stick men play fetch with their dog?

going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money

*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?

Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”

A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.

No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because make up phrases

Girlfriend: yes

Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch

Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about

Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.

Me: I think my computer’s broken

Boss: just give it to the IT guy

Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck

Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”

Me:
“Total disappointments.”

Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”

This one, by a wide margin

I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.

I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.