Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”

[hiding under bed from murderer]

cellmate: I know you’re there

When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too

My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.

[police chasing man on foot]

Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!

Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.

Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.

Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂

Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.

Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?

Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded

“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS

Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…

So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.

It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.

I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.

“Where do babies comes from?”

Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.

*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH

“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”

– Kids

I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.

Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.

one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king

Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural

Me: this tape is itchy

Drug Dealer: what

Me: what

ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh

Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.

Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.

I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’

[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?

Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…

I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.

One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.

We also don’t have a second floor.

If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore

Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?

I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.

My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”