family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
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My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
My wife just randomly put on a Gregorian Monks CD and started flicking through a magazine, which made me feel a bit uneasy. I never leaf anything to chants.
As a doctor, I can confirm
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.
Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.