family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
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Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.
i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what