family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
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Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
“I wouldn’t.”
DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do