[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
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Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
