Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Time Traveler: “What year is it?”

Me: “2020”

Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”

Me

I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.

It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.

“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened

When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.

satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-

me: wow you’re tall

satan: thanks?

me: how tall are you?

satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?

me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny

I’m not too proud to admit I’ve slept my way to the bottom.

This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.

If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you

[Outside court]

Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?

: Odd

We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.

Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.

Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.

Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!

wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap

I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes

Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear

great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog

federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes

“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”

“Please let go of my hair”

-my gynaecologist

And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.

I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.

~ Me, flirting

the red hot silly peppers

Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.

Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship

2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk

There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.

Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?

Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.