[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
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No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.