[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
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Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!
Also me: *lives alone*
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
incredible book dedication
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.