Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4 y/o is requesting that I have five more children “so [she] can fight them” ???????

my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs

Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.

girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist

Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]

“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”

still the best tweet of the year by far

The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.

Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room

Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon

Get lost in the experience, not the park.

Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.

Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.

HER: what’s with all the finger pointing

ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition

DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?

ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it

This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬

Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?

That’s kind of worrying.

If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg

My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.

Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.

My dad: Please let me speak to him.

Kidnapper: He’s here.

My dad: You left the fan on, again.

My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.

ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir

BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job

Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year

Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself

If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.

EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*

BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*

🤣😂🤣😂

*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*

SON: What’re you doing?

ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!

SON: Cool

ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!

I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.

And they are appalled.

[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*