[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
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I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Today I learned when you check into a Doubletree they greet you with a freshly made chocolate chip cookie from the cookie warming drawer behind the check-in desk, and if some giant soulless corporate conglomerate thinks they can bribe me with a cookie they are five huge stars
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.