Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
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Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Interviewer: do you work well under pressure?
Me: Jesus Christ man, I’m thinking
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
I love when guys ask how big my tits are like as if men have any idea what bra sizes mean. I could tell a guy I’m a WD-40 and he would be like “omg so hot”
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Judge: do you have a lawyer or will you be representing yourself?
Me: *adjusts tie* neither your honor
*a sock puppet slowly emerges from my briefcase*