A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
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cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
If I were to walk 500 miles and walk 500 more I’d be the man to die from cardiac arrest right at your door
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*