@climaxximus

[family get together]

mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?

me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?

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@michael_raphone

Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though

@whatmaddness

Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: do you work well under pressure?

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: well?

Me: Jesus Christ man, I’m thinking

@AimeeHelene1

I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.

@themeredith

I love when guys ask how big my tits are like as if men have any idea what bra sizes mean. I could tell a guy I’m a WD-40 and he would be like “omg so hot”

@LindaInDisguise

Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?

Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.

Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?

@Reverend_Scott

Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.

@sageboggs

Listen up, guys

Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose

@samdunsiger

If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.

@DaddyJew

Judge: do you have a lawyer or will you be representing yourself?

Me: *adjusts tie* neither your honor

*a sock puppet slowly emerges from my briefcase*