[family get together]

mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?

me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?

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A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.


cat: *plays fiddle*

cow: *jumps over moon*

dishes: *run away*

farmer: *sets down bong*


Waiter: would you like a lobster bib

Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously


Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow

Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*

Me: He means a graph



If I were to walk 500 miles and walk 500 more I’d be the man to die from cardiac arrest right at your door


At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.


Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.


“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”


“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”


*professes my undying love to my microwave*

*microwave sets itself on fire*