[family get together]

mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?

me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?

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assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone


what’s on your back?
“a katana”
“it’s a japanese sword used…you know what *takes back résumé* I don’t think I wanna work here”


Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it


I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.


Netflix: are you still watching

Alexa: yeah he’s here

Me: 😳


The worst thing about when someone tells you to chillax is what to do with their corpse.


fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss


“I’m a diamond in the rough.”

“That’s a whole lot of rough.”