@climaxximus

[family get together]

mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?

me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?

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@leobunty

assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone

@murrman5

what’s on your back?
“a katana”
what?
“it’s a japanese sword used…you know what *takes back résumé* I don’t think I wanna work here”

@missrachelww

Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it

@LeahsLounge

I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.

@NotTodayEric

Netflix: are you still watching

Alexa: yeah he’s here

Me: 😳

@smedlee

The worst thing about when someone tells you to chillax is what to do with their corpse.

@_rubdirtonit

fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss

@13spencer

“I’m a diamond in the rough.”

“That’s a whole lot of rough.”