Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
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Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
I’ve had relationships like this
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
