Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
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Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Halloween is great because it combines two of my favorite hobbies: driving out to a wet farm to handpick the heaviest inedible vegetable I can find, and taking my small disguised children out past their bedtimes to roam the streets in darkness
life finds a way
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Told my twins at their basketball game to slay and don’t be beta skibidi and it felt like a dream to embarrass two kids at once.
Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Still cracks me up
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.