Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.

ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God

*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art

NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits

Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.

Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.

Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:

• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych ward

It’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.

Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”

What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s

why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille

Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.

If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.

My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.

annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.

margaret really hates that.

Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing

My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster

I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?

The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?

I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?

As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.

rest in peas

Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.

Me: I’m paying cash.

Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?

me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.

judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.

me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.

Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s

EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…

one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk

Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.

Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.

Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.

ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter

GRIM REAPER: well shit

My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.