Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]

A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?

I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.

Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening

Her: that is literally what I just said

It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.

Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside

*45 minutes later*

She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead

Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.

P.S. Bring a spider.

The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.

People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.

“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.

Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.

Impervious: being an admitted pervert

I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet

Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.

My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.

There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention

An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination

I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun

Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.

[aquarium]

me: look at the chorse

wife: it’s seahorse

me: i know how to spell chorse linda

I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.

Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.

*at funeral*

Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.

“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.

[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/

Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy

Reality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/　 ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ

Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!

And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is

life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe

[holds out handful of sliced cheese]

pick a card

My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.