Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(kids playing upstairs)

*loud crash*

Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*

I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure

Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.

I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.

First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”

Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild

Me: Any Costco requests?

Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.

my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?

Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*

Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.

My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon

One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens

I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.

*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*

Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!

Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.

Me: c’mon get back in the car

Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no

I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.

Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.

you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.

Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?

*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough

Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever

🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?

I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies

Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.

Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.

Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since

*slides note across counter*

Cashier (whispers): No problem.

[over intercom system]

“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”

“Are you religious?”

Bro I don’t even believe in myself