Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure

captain: hand in your gun

me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger

Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.

[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this

Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off

HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar

inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?

One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan

COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]

Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay

You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.

I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?

FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you

SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet

taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six

Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.

Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.

Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!

So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ

Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.

Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?

Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!

[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another

I’m doing Bikram yoga today.

By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.

I like to send homemade gifts to people.

Which one of my kids do you want?

*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF

To all my friends who lost weight- I found it

Them: “I hate to be a…”

Me: “Then don’t.”

If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.

My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.

Anyway. Monkey for sale.

you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.

I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now